Aug 06

Monotonous and witless … it’s Joe Buck

Dear Joe Buck,

Just because you have your job(s) because your father was one of the best and most legendary announcers ever doesn’t mean you carry so much weight into your job. You’re not half as witty as you think you are, you’re twice as arrogant as you’d hope to be and the whole monotonous announcer act doesn’t mean you “take your job seriously.” It means you sound like you’re talking while on the verge of falling asleep or while trying to pinch out an extra-difficult deuce in the men’s room. Get over yourself. It’s ok if a baseball game is exciting and amusing and fun. It’s a sporting event. You’re not announcing the onset of World War III.

I will not speak in anything other than this dour tone, even if the Martians land a spaceship on the mound during the sixth inning.

Finally, stop dropping your voice another octave or six every time something bad happens to the Yankees. Outside of New York and the nation’s best front runners, no one seems as unhappy as you when Sabathia gives up a three-run bomb to Ellsbury.

You are your father’s son in name only. Don’t believe it? Good luck ever matching up to this:

Jack Buck Calls Kirk Gibson’s 1988 World Series HR

Best,

Tom

 

Jul 05

Jam That Prius Where Your Minivan’s Sun Don’t Shine

I was reading this whinefest the other day. And, as someone who has been commuting in Southern California for nearly two decades now, it brought to mind one of my longest-running internal arguments.

What cars are home to the most annoying drivers? On current Southern California freeways, here are my clear top three:

  • Minivan drivers
  • Prius drivers
  • Toyota drivers in general

Certainly, you can make a case for “gardener truck guy” or “my BMW can’t be held under 90 at anytime guy,” but for consistency’s sake, no groups come close to the above three in my book.

 

Apparently, Prius drivers park as well as they do most other things.

 

But, picking a “winner”? Well, that’s is a tough one for me. Here are some basic thoughts.

  • It seems that anyone in operation of a minivan immediately loses about 50 IQ points as soon as they put the minivan into “Drive.” 60 in the fast lane or carpool lane is unacceptable, period. And, no, I don’t care if your entire stick-figure family is in the car. Why do I need to be “safer” if kids are in the car? You’re the unsafe one, wandering around the freeway’s passing and HOV lanes at unsafely slow speeds.
  • Prius drivers are either as braindead as the average minivan driver or seem to think the Prius is an old-school Honda CRX (Was anyone driving a CRX in the late 80s and early 90s not a douchebag?). The guy who gets “sad” looking at the other lanes in the earlier linked story is a great example of the first type. And, type 2, you’re not saving the environment by driving 90-plus and weaving your little car between lanes with that smug, “I’m better than you” look on your face.
  • Finally, does anyone operating a Toyota have the slightest clue of where his or her destination is? Or why it takes them 20 minutes longer than anyone else to arrive there? Or that it’s ok to make a lane change at full speed without jamming on their brakes though the lane next to them is wide open?

I never thought anyone could challenge minivan drivers for total domination in this department. For me, their historical lead is too big for Toyota (and the subset of Prius drivers) to overcome … at this point. But, get back to me in six months. You never know.

(By the way, the “jealous of the carpool” guy in the linked story should get together with the sad guy. I’m sure that’d be a fun lunch meeting)

May 24

Fourth in a Series: Conversations Between Brick Tamland and Alan Garner

Brick: Mm. I just burned my tongue.

Alan: Hey, there’s Skittles in there!

Brick: I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn’t cotton candy like the guy said. My tummy itches.

Alan: It’s where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it’s not a purse, it’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.

Brick: Where’d you get your clothes from? The … the toilet store?