It’s been a while … actually about a year – the last was the 2012 Grammys … since I last put together a running diary piece for the blog. Since the Grammys are out next Sunday (with USC playing Washington in hoops at the Galen Center), and I was sticking around the house in recovery mode from a long few days in Phoenix for a work event/party, today’s Super Bowl seemed like a decent opportunity. After all, it combines one of sports’ biggest days with a binge of advertising – the profession I cover professionally (I do profess!) – making it a near-perfect viewing experience.
So, starting with the 3 p.m. Pacific time telecast kickoff, here we go:
Super Bowl XLVII, Baltimore vs. San Francisco
Mercedes Benz Superdome, New Orleans, broadcast on CBS
3:00: An apparently sober Joe Namath leads the broadcast. Already a big upset win for CBS.
3:10: The Raven mascot salues Baltimore’s “The Wire” legacy by dancing at midfield while under the influence of any number of drugs.
3:13: “Four-time Super Bowl participant Steve Tasker.” Ouch, Buffalo.
3:14: “… and The Honoring of America.” Hey, Jim Nantz, should’ve gone with “America. Fuck Yeah!”
3:15: Maybelline just dropped $2m for 15 seconds well before most women are paying attention.
3:15: L’Oreal at least brought the Beyonce tie in for their $2M just moments later
3:16: I’m guessing most sports fans agree: Hyundai deserves credit for bringing Gus Johnson to the table. “Hot Sauce!”
3:18: A possibly perfect moment with the Sandy Hook School Chorus is ruined by Jennifer Hudson’s 593rd consecutive appearance during a major televised event, all as the No. 3 act at best. #AttendstheOpeningofanEnvelope
3:19: Someone alert Fox News: the Sandy Hook kids are lip synching. #truthers
3:22: The hair on the sign language guy for the “America. Fuck Yeah!” segment is pretty fantastic.
3:24: Ray Lewis celebrates the line “land of the freeeeee!” That’s wholly unsurprising since he’s playing in the Super Bowl and able to tell people that he doesn’t have to talk about a murder he likely played a role in.
3:40: The Ravens strike first with an easy TD from Joe Flacco to Anquan Boldin.
3:50: I’m still waiting for Nantz and Phil Simms to discuss “Swag” for the first time.
3:54: Niners’ K David Akers makes one from 36 yards. 7-3 Baltimore … not bad for SF with how shaky they’ve looked.
3:56: Just two ads in and I’m already filled with hate for Bud Black Crown. “Our kind of beer”? Right.
3:57: It’s been brought to my attention that 17 minutes ago, Ryan Seacrest tweeted, “That’s so Ravens.” He has 8.8 million followers, most of whom likely enjoy him. This immediately becomes the current leading example of what’s wrong with America.
4:04: Enough with the “Coach Jim” and “Coach John,” Nantz. You’re announcing a game that’s televised. We can see who you’re talking about.
4:05: Wow, the Niners’ Chris Culliver was awfully hands-on in that coverage based on his comments earlier this week.
4:07: Nice new ideas, Hollywood. “Fast & Furious 6”? Jesus. That’s close to Seacrest’s Tweet, but not quite.
4:08: The more ads for CBS comedies, the more I realize why I watch no CBS comedies.
4:09: Wow! The Harbaugh family is AT THE GAME! No way!
4:14: Culliver is NOT going to be a fan of that Calvin Klein ad if he’s TiVoing the game.
4:21: Flacco turns a LaMichael James fumble into a TD drive. 14-3 Baltimore.
4:23: #ThatAwkwardMoment where Stevie Wonder sold the soul of “Superstition” to Bud Light.
4:26: Shit, Sherlock Holmes is the villain in the new “Star Trek” flick?!
4:30: After Jim Harbaugh calms the hockey-style fracas (cough), the Niners need a stop to keep this from getting ugly.
4:32: Very professional look, “hat sideways on the sideline” guy, listening to Colin Kaepernick.
4:35: Gutsy call on the fake FG from the Ravens. Just short. Will Baltimore regret that?
4:35: If there was a time for Baltimore to go for the killshot, it was then. They’re still up 11 and have SF buried deep. Almost got it, but good work by SF D to scramble to stop it.
4:37: I don’t know why I found VW’s rasta white guy so funny. “Land of Ten Tousand lakes!”
4:44: Watching Culliver’s act throughout this game, it’s really not shocking he’s such an uninformed human.
4:48: The Taco Bell ad would’ve been much more enjoyable if I didn’t know what a shitty liive band “Fun.” is. Oh, and Taco Bell marketers – Spanish speakers aren’t really the ones buying your tacos.
4:48: What a shame that Culliver got beat on that play. I’m not really rooting for the Ravens, but that dude deserves bad shit to happen. 21-3, Baltimore.
4:53: This Tweet, courtesy of the always funny @SklarBrothers, rocks: “Culliver letting a lot of guys get behind him. He’s getting his ass reamed out there. #SB47 #sklarbowl”
4:57: “There’s nothing there.” Jim Nantz, quoting Tom Brady’s repeated deflections of Nantz’s romantic advances.
4:58: And everyone thought Akers was the Niners’ weak link. His FG makes it 21-6 Baltimore at the half.
5:03: I think Boomer Esiason lost his voice in the first half screaming at Kaepernick’s poor play.
5:11: Appropriately, Beyonce is stripping for her top strip-club hit.
5:17: Don’t ever let anyone tell you Beyonce doesn’t believe in herself. #beyoncewithbeyonceholograms
5:19: Who knew the other members of Destiny’s Child were still alive … Errr, umm, I meant available for this?
5:25: I’ll say this about Beyonce: that was a HUGE step up from Madonna’s performance last year.
5:26: “2 Broke Girls.” Comedy writers and show runners with old, inane, broke ideas, but millions of simpletons watching. That’s what I call the real “Honoring of America.”
5:32: Jacoby Jones, best dancer of the day. It’s 28-6 Baltimore after a 109-yard TD on the second half kickoff.
5:37: Highlight of the night! Someone finally got so sick of Phil Simms, they yanked his mic and knocked out half of the Superdome’s lights!
5:39: Is this the darkness Mercedes Benz has been promising leading up to the game?
5:46: This is slowly turning into the always enjoyable “sports journalists attempt to cover a news story.” If only it was on ESPN, we could really see it get butchered.
5:48: Finally, a way that a huddle of game officials can look more incompetent – adding a bunch of NFL execs in suits with walkie-talkies to the group during a blackout.
5:52: Clooney, Pitt and the rest of the 11 are currently taking Harrah’s New Orleans for all it’s worth.
6:06: Why did power have to be restored to the Nantz/Simms press box?
6:10: “Third down and 13, let’s go!” Awesome work, head referee!
6:24: Michael Crabtree takes two big shots after the catch and goes in for the 31-yard score anyway. It’s 28-13 Baltimore halfway through the third.
6:26: Shocking it took til midway through the third quarter for the first Gangnam Style-themed ad. Thanks for not letting us down (and, by that, I mean letting us down), pistachio salespeople.
6:28: CBS’ ad campaign touting all of its “No. 1” shows really makes the American TV viewer look bad.
6:32: Ted Ginn punt return, Vernon Davis catch, Frank Gore run. NFL blackout controversy brewing. Baltimore 28-20, 4:59 to play in the third.
6:35: Is Beck’s Sapphire trying to split the douche vote with Budweiser Black Crown? #bombdiggity
6:38: What a great Budweiser Clydesdale ad, which was shot right outside my apartment building a couple weeks ago! I walked over to Walgreen’s for some items right through the heart of that fake parade while they were shooting it. I love living here.
6:43: There’s the Akers that SF fans were afraid of, as he shanks another FG attempt. But a running into the kicker penalty gives him another shot.
6:44: And he knocks this one through. Niners within five with 3:10 left in the third.
6:48: Right when the Ravens were in trouble, there’s Culliver letting Boldin get open and then getting seriously stiff-armed for a 31-yard gain. Bad coverage is so ga- err, unfortunate.
6:51: Deion Sanders as Leon Sandcastle. Strong entrant in the ad race from the NFL itself.
6:52: Jack in the Box “Hot Mess” ad was another amusingly solid effort during that break. Though I am kind of a sucker for the Jack ads.
6:55: Something about Phil Simms saying the word “possum” just seems right.
6:57: The Ravens take the field goal this time and lead 31-23 with 13 minutes to play.
6:59: Paul Harvey and Dodge tell all of us just trying to enjoy some football and laughs to go fuck right off.
7:04: Kaepernick lopes in for the score, but the 2-point pass sails high. 31-29 Ravens, with just under 10 minutes left.
7:06: Was that a KIA ad or the story behind Scientology?
7:08: @BaileyLAKings is having a special day on Twitter. Great effort from a championship-level mascot.
7:11: Culliver’s at it again, rubbing his body all over another man’s for a PI call to give Baltimore a huge first down.
7:14: Great Tide spot, from all angles. “Jesus on toast” must be pissed.
7:21: Tucker’s second FG makes it 34-29 Baltimore with 4:19 left.
7:22: Good casting with Dafoe as Satan, but Mercedes spent a lot to build up to a spot that was, essentially, a chuckle at best. It kinda fizzled, just like the lights at the Mercedes Benz Superdome.
7:27: Kaepernick has an absolute rocket arm. Wow, that throw to Crabtree.
7:30: Rudd and Rogen, love these guys.
7:34: Fourth and goal … Incomplete, and Jim Harbaugh is dying for a holding call. Maybe he should have been dying for his team not to fall behind 28-6?
7:36: Phil Simms still believes there is no holding, ever. Now, apparently, on both sides of the ball.
7:37: “The more angles I see, the more confused I get.” – Phil Simms, coming clean after all these years.
7:41: And Dan Donati just got effed in his own Super Bowl squares pool with that safety.
7:45: Ball game. Baltimore 34, San Francisco 31. Turned out to be a helluva game. And no lame Nantz pun at the finish.
7:47: And now, one of my favorite things: the unexpected F bomb on live TV. You’re definitely my MVP, Joe Flacco.
7:58: Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti was much less creepy than after the AFC title win. He did, however, essentially thank New Orleans for having so many cocktails.
8:01: If I was a believer, Ray Lewis would be very close to making me hate god.
Good night everybody!