Aug 06

Monotonous and witless … it’s Joe Buck

Dear Joe Buck,

Just because you have your job(s) because your father was one of the best and most legendary announcers ever doesn’t mean you carry so much weight into your job. You’re not half as witty as you think you are, you’re twice as arrogant as you’d hope to be and the whole monotonous announcer act doesn’t mean you “take your job seriously.” It means you sound like you’re talking while on the verge of falling asleep or while trying to pinch out an extra-difficult deuce in the men’s room. Get over yourself. It’s ok if a baseball game is exciting and amusing and fun. It’s a sporting event. You’re not announcing the onset of World War III.

I will not speak in anything other than this dour tone, even if the Martians land a spaceship on the mound during the sixth inning.

Finally, stop dropping your voice another octave or six every time something bad happens to the Yankees. Outside of New York and the nation’s best front runners, no one seems as unhappy as you when Sabathia gives up a three-run bomb to Ellsbury.

You are your father’s son in name only. Don’t believe it? Good luck ever matching up to this:

Jack Buck Calls Kirk Gibson’s 1988 World Series HR

Best,

Tom

 

May 24

Fourth in a Series: Conversations Between Brick Tamland and Alan Garner

Brick: Mm. I just burned my tongue.

Alan: Hey, there’s Skittles in there!

Brick: I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn’t cotton candy like the guy said. My tummy itches.

Alan: It’s where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it’s not a purse, it’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.

Brick: Where’d you get your clothes from? The … the toilet store?

May 16

40 for 40

As I mark the passage of 40 years on this planet, I’ve had plenty of chances to reflect on those four decades — the happy moments and the sad; the wins and the losses; and everything in between. As I rolled these years over in my head it struck me that perhaps I could put together a list — in no particular order — of 40 various people, places and things that have affected or influenced my life, brought me great joy or even provided simple lasting memories.

To my loved ones: you are ALL at the top of any list I would make like this, so realize and recognize that before you note to yourself, while reading, “What about me?” For all my cynicism and dark wit, I just love living and experiencing life so much that I could never touch on everything that’s made a mark on me in this or any space. But I can give you a decent set of examples — one for each year that I’ve lived.